Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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