y did u give ur computer a hand job?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
