which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
