Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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