My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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