I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
