Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
