I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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