he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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