i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
