I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
