Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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