I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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