No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
