you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
