i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
