i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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