Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize