We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
