I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
