Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
