it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
