I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
