When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
