and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
