I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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