dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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