He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
