Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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