I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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