I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
