When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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