Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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