Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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