i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
