Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
