you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
