...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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