I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
