I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
