there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
