You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
