I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
