So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
