Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I supernannyed him into submission
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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