My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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