So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
