i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
