Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
