help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
