i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
