Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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