the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
