note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
