i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
