Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
