if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
