Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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