No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
