apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
