yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
