Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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