In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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