I can tuck mytits in my pants
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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