At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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